The Big Scary Question Mark...

As I sit here thinking of the words I want to say I get an overwhelming feeling of confusion. In a way its loss, loss of the once healthy body I knew I had. Loss of confidence in my day to day. Loss of security.

I had my anatomy scan today and its a bittersweet moment. We got the best news we could have hoped for; the baby is healthy and progressing just as he should be. We got to see every little part of him; his feet, his legs, his heart, his spine... all of it came back wonderful. He is in the 52% which is right in the middle and he's about 10 oz. For weeks I had been stressed and scared about the outcome of this scan in relation to my little boy. I went to my therapist and we talked through the scenarios together to better prepare me for anything that could be wrong with him. I feel so grateful that none of those concerns have to see the light of day, at least not at the moment. The one thing I didn't fully prepare myself for, was me.

Maybe I was so focused on him that my mind didn't even go farther than that. Its odd that way, because I knew there were things going on with me, from my visit to the ER where they found the cyst and the uterine fibroid. I guess I had tunneled my vision so much on him I couldn't see anything else.

Today we learned I have developed 2 new uterine fibroids. One, the OG, has grown about 2cm. A new one is about 4cm on the right side top of my uterus, and another one on the left measuring a whopping 10cm. I was surprised to hear that, to have developed one and it grown to substantially in 7 weeks seems unreal. Unfortunately, its real. The good news is, at this point they are not impeding on his growth in any way. He has room and is progressing just fine. The cyst is something entirely different.

My cyst has grown about 1cm in the 7 weeks. At that time it was a clear view of a fluid filled pocket. Today there's "debris" in it. There's a change... Is that change just blood from the pregnancy and everything is totally normal? "Were not sure," the Dr told me. The fibroids just are what they are, they will either get bigger or they wont, they may even die off as the baby grows bigger and takes their blood supply. Only time will tell. The cyst is a bigger question mark for me, a scary one.

The Dr told me today that she's not comfortable telling me everything is fine or that its not cancer. She said, "there are other signs we usually see in one that is cancerous that you don't have, so that's a good sign, but it is abnormal and it has changed. I don't want to tell you its not because I'm just not sure." I was a little in shock at the word 'CANCER', I couldn't believe that was even a word being used in this conversation, regarding me and my body, but it was.

I couldn't even really tell you what I felt in that moment. Its incredibly surreal. I had always gotten my physicals, labs, tests, exams done when I was supposed to. I had always been told "you're healthy" and "everything looks great." This was the first time there was a question... I feel a little lost at the moment. Just even having the possibility is jarring in so many ways. Ill be speaking with my therapist about it soon and will maybe have more helpful insights for you all about the process my mind takes in moments like this, but right now its still really confusing.

The plan from here is to send my images to oncology, see what they think. Maybe they will say, "that's totally normal, don't worry about it" but maybe they wont, and I have to try to do my best in keeping my head clear. Regardless, I have a follow up ultrasound in 4 weeks to see it again and check where its at. We will send those images to oncology as well.

I pray I have more answers soon... for now I'm just trying to wrap my mind around it all. I am going to spend the next two days enjoying my family, my husband, and our little boy inside me. Try my best to smile genuinely, laugh wholeheartedly, and not let the worry take over.

I am reminded of a great line in a wonderful book and think maybe it will help someone else as much as its helped me in dark times.

“Think about today, not tomorrow. Dance over the cracks so you don't fall into them. Drink champagne in the afternoons and invent ridiculous cocktails to make the ruined world glitter again. Keep going, one foot in front of the other. Don't look down.”

― Iona Grey, The Glittering Hour

Until next time MAMAs.. enjoy some new pics of my little boy... XOXO Meg