Where the hard part started...

Here it is, the first.

When my fiancé and I found out we were pregnant the first time we were a few weeks away from our wedding. We were actively trying but never thought it would happen so easily. We have so many friends and family, people we love and care about, that are struggling with infertility. Me being a 34 year old woman, never thought we would get pregnant on our second month of trying. That just doesn't happen anymore. I'm not sure why that is, why is it so hard now for women to get pregnant? (that's a topic for another day, I have theories.) But it happened for us. I was only a few days late on my period but I swore I saw a faint line on the cheap little pregnancy test I bought in bulk from Amazon. I called my Fiancé into the restroom to look at it with me. He looked and kind of shrugged, he was not convinced; but I knew I saw it there, the faintest almost invisible little pink line.

When I got to work I told my coworker I was having some stuff Doordashed to the clinic from Target and to keep an eye out for me. Curiosity must have taken over because she asked me what I had ordered for myself. I secretly wanted to tell her anyway, I wanted to tell SOMEONE. I was too excited and anxious. So I said, "I'm late on my period so I'm having a pregnancy test and some chocolate doughnuts delivered". She was excited for me but didn't want to be too excited, neither did I. Sometimes the hurt of the "NOT PREGNANT" is worse than the not knowing. When it came I took it right away, sat there for a few seconds and POP there it was, almost no time at all, "PREGNANT".

Like, WHAT?! I couldn't believe this. I took a picture of the test and sent it to my fiancé. "you're going to be a dad" it said. I was cry-laughing in the stall at work, I felt foolish and elated at the same time. Once I pulled myself together I wrapped the test in toilet paper to keep and walked out. My Coworker was there waiting patiently to hear the news.... "its positive" I told her. We hugged and laughed, and it was a very nice moment.

My Fiancé and I knew we wanted to keep everything under wraps as best we could but wanted to tell our parents the news. Its incredibly hard to keep anything from my mom specifically. I was an only child and for the majority of my childhood into adult years it was just her and I. I didn't keep anything from her. We wanted to be cute about it so I ordered some T-shirts online and made a plan with the moms to have dinner together.

When that day came I was excited and even a little anxious, were we being too corny about it? I was working that Monday, as I do every Monday. Around 2pm I stood up from my desk and OOP! something happened. I kind of doubled over, feeling a strange pain on the right side kind of near the back. I remember saying to myself "huh... what's that?" This is my first pregnancy, I know nothing, but slowly I was able to stand up straight and the feeling began to shift. to feel like a gas bubble. The wildest gas bubble I had ever felt in my life, but again, first pregnancy so I didn't think too much into it. I went for a walk to try and work it out with no success. The sharp pain wasn't really there anymore, only initially when I stood up, so I wasn't really worried. After work I head home, gather the little t shirts in their little boxes with a pair of baby converse I had bought, collect the MIL and we headed out. I was telling them about the strange gas bubble, we even stopped at KwikTrip to see if we could get some Gas medication with no success. We lastly gathered my mother and made our way to the restaurant.

At the restaurant, I wanted to keep things sneaky so I ordered a beer. The look of disappointment on my moms face when I placed my order confirmed my suspicion that she was anticipating baby news. I felt sly that I had knocked her of the trail, even if it was only for a moment. After we ordered our food my fiancé ran out to the truck to grab the little boxes. When he came back and handed them out they both looked very confused, proud of my slyness once again. They opened the boxes and read their shirts. My mom looked at the shirt, then looked at me, then back down to the shirt as if she hadn't really read it the first time. "In my grandma era" it said. The tears started flowing, the excitement was palpable. It was a moment I had dreamed about for many years. Being able to finally say, "I'm going to have a baby." All the while, the gas bubble is still there...

After we finish eating I excuse myself to the restroom, one last attempt to clear this feeling before we got back into the car. I wipe.... Blood. I couldn't even really see what I was looking at, everything blurred together for a second, I immediately knew. I called my mom from the bathroom and asked her to meet me in there. I show her the wipe and ask "is this a bad sign?" even though I already knew it was. My mom is not an eternal optimist by nature, but I think she could see the fear in me and her protective nature came forward. "No," she said "this happens. I had full blow periods when I was pregnant with you." but I knew, the pain, the gas bubble, and now the blood.... I knew. I didn't know how to handle this. Here we all were, not even an hour after I told them I was pregnant, I was miscarrying.

We didn't say much on the car ride home. I had asked her not to mention anything and to let me tell my fiancé. I gave her a hug when we dropped her off, in my ear she said "everything is going to be just fine..." But it wouldn't be, not this way at least. I tried to hold myself together for the entire ride back home. Once we got home I was able to tell him privately, "I'm bleeding," I said. The look on his face was one of confusion, "what does that mean?" he asked. I wasn't entirely sure at that moment. A huge part of me wanted to stay hopeful but the dark cloud of dread was hovering over me. "I don't know, but I don't think its a good sign..."

Over the next few days my Dr's office kept saying things to me like "if you're not filling a pad then were not that worried" and "light spotting is normal in early pregnancy" but they wouldn't see me until I was 12 weeks. I begged for something, anything to give me a little clarity. They finally put in a 48hr HCG for me, (not STAT, mind you. Which I think is borderline cruel to do to someone you know is on the verge of an emotional breakdown. I was begging for answers, but to them it didn't matter, it was early, it didn't mean anything to them. they see this all the time... at least it felt that way. I was struggling, hard.) I went to my old clinic in shambles. I asked my friends in the lab if they would send it out STAT for me even though it wasn't ordered that way, they did... and for that I am eternally grateful.

When we got the lab back it confirmed my fears, the baby was gone....

I was feeling pain everywhere, not just physical pain, emotional pain. I felt like a failure, like I had done something to make this happen. Everyone kept telling me it had nothing to do with me and 1 in 4 pregnancies end this way... but I couldn't see that, I couldn't hear them.

It took me a while to be able to see light again. I tried to focus on the good in my life, my wedding was 2 weeks away, there was so much to look forward to, and this didn't mean it was over. We would continue to try.... the emotions went in waves, some days I was ok, others I was in pieces. I finally decided to post about my miscarriage on Facebook. I didn't want to feel alone anymore, I wanted other women who had been there to know they weren't alone either. The overwhelming number of women, friends of mine, who came out and said they also had gone through this was eye opening. Why do so many of us hide in the shadows? It is because its hard to talk about, because were embarrassed or ashamed, because we feel like were the only ones? We should not hide, we should talk about it. The more we are open with each other the more we are able to feel whole again.

***

This was 6 months ago. I decided to start this blog after I got pregnant again. I am as of today, 15 weeks pregnant... and bleeding. I will go into more detail on that very soon, but its been a hard road again for me and my little bun. I pray every day that we will be fine, that this is not the same as last time.

All we can do is hope...

Until next time MAMAs, remember you're not alone...

with love, Meg.